"You must do the thing which you think you cannot."

The great words of Eleanor Roosevelt have never rung so prominently in my head before now. I've seen this quote a million times, and told myself that it was my motto, and everything that I lived by - but I don't think that I truly believed in it.

There are a lot of big changes that are happening in my life this year... many of which I don't even know if I'm ready for. Not that I cannot handle them, but that I don't quite know what to expect.

I'm moving away from home - something I never, in a million years, thought would happen. I've always been so afraid of leaving the "known" for the "unknown," and now that it's really happening, it feels a little strange. To be driving down the road late at night and to not be able to see stars in the sky, or the shadow of the mountains to the West, it's kinda scary. God. And leaving my family. Nothing feels worse than that horrible ache I get in my gut sometimes when I think about how I'm abandoning my sisters. I feel like I've been there for them for so long - and even slacked a lot more than I really should have over the past two years because I haven't had the "time" to go home. Having that thought constantly haunting me doesn't help in the least bit either. And now look at me. Traveling two thousand miles away, hundreds of dollars in traveling expenses just to see them for a weekend, even if I COULD manage to get enough time off from my internship.

If leaving my sisters wasn't hard enough, my mom and dad are having a hard time too - even though they pretend that everything is just fine and dandy. Over the years of living with them and staying in contact after moving out, I can tell when they're upset. They pretend like they could care less, but in reality, I know I'm hurting them. Their one daughter, who they thought from the beginning would never let them down, is making the biggest mistake of her life... or at least in their eyes, so I've gathered.


The next thing I have to worry about (or maybe I don't) is the fact that I feel like a beached whale as far as my career choice. Don't get me wrong, I am happy with my choices, and I love what I do... when I'm actually doing it. Disney is going to be wonderful, and it's going to open so many doors for my future. It's just hard to see now while I'm waiting for it to happen. I love performing, and I never want to give it up... but lately I have felt so hopeless because I have no idea what steps to take next as far as finishing up my degree. Especially if I can't even get into the programs I want to be a part of down here in Florida.    


With those being my minor worries, I feel like the biggest, most heavy thoughts pressing on my mind, are all related this boy that I have fallen deeply in love with. They say that there are many times where you are continually having to reevaluate your definition of love. Four years ago, I thought that I was in love with a guy I dated in high school, and now, looking at how I feel for who I'm with now, I see that it was nothing close to what love really is. I've had to come to grips with a lot of things over the past year of my life, and one of them is that I would follow this boy to the end of the world because I never want to live another day without him in my life.

With that being said, although it seems like a good thing, it's terrifying. I am terrified to lose him. I'm so scared of messing up, or doing something to push him away unintentionally. I want to be with him because he is the one thing I have found in my life that is constant. We have our bad days, confusing days, but we also have more days that just feel right.

Last night I was watching him do the dishes. We weren't talking. I was just looking at him, and  he wasn't paying attention to anything but the task of getting the kitchen cleaned up. In those few minutes I realized that he could be the one for me.. the one person I may end up spending the rest of my life with - and I'd be  okay with that. MORE than okay - it's what I want. After this past weekend, and the past 11 months, I have been awoken to a life I never want to leave me, and that life is with him.

I'm so afraid of becoming too attached though. I can already feel this intense connection that I have never felt before, and it scares me to think that I could lose it at any moment. Living in Colorado gave me a bit of a buffer zone. The distance gave us something to blame if anything ever went wrong, but now, it's for real. There is no turning back, and there is only forward motion ahead of us. I just hope to God he knows how I would do anything for him - and be everything he needs me to be, because right now in my life, that's all I want. To be his everything. To hold his hand when he needs encouragement, to give him hope when he can't see the stars, to hold him in my arms when he needs comfort, and to give him all the love in the world.

Even though I am nervous, and worried that something bad will happen between us - I know I am here for a reason. I have made a decision to live the life I thought was impossible for me to live, and here I am. I'm going to put my best foot forward, give it all the heart I've got, and pray that it's going to be enough to get me through this move, and to help me build a strong, healthy relationship with this amazing person who has changed my life.

Beautiful Words.

IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING.
I want to know what you ache for., and if you dare of meeting your heart's longing.

IT DOESN'T INTEREST ME HOW OLD YOU ARE.
I want to know if you would risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dreams, for the adventures of being alive.

IT DOESN'T INTEREST ME WHICH PLANETS ARE SQUARING WITH YOUR MOON.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain - mine and your own -
without moving to hid it, or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine and your own;
if you can dance with wildness and ecstasy,
fill the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic,
or to remember the limitations of being human.

IT DOESN'T INTEREST ME IF THE STORY YOU ARE TELLING ME IS TRUE.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself;
if you can bear the causation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine,
and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"YES!"

IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME WHERE OR WHAT OR WITH WHOM YOU HAVE STUDIED.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.


From Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Native American Elder