“I fear being like everyone I hate, I fear failure, I fear losing control. I love balancing between chaos and control with everything I do. I always have a fear of going one way or another, getting lost in something, or losing everything to get lost in."
- Marilyn Manson
I know I should be spending my time doing homework right now - but I think these thoughts are far more important to get out of my head. Definitely more important than history notes. ;)
I often have found that some of my most in depth conversations happen between me and people that I work with; I love it when they teach me more about my own situation than I know myself... one friend in particular never ceases to amaze me with his insight. It feels really good to have someone around who knows what I'm going through, or at least, can give me a shoulder to cry on - or someone to talk some sense into me.
Today, we talked a lot about losing control; not in the sense of losing control in a bad way, but rather, understanding when and where control should or shouldn't exist. I am the kind of person who continually searches for answers, who simply cannot sit down, put my hands in the air and surrender to what is happening in my life. When I feel out of control, I frantically flail my arms around instead of relaxing and steadying myself in the water, causing myself to drown in my own stress. I can't seem to let go of the thought, 'I can fix this,' when in reality, I'm only making it worse for myself and anyone involved. Today, though, I realized that sometimes things are just the way they are, and no amount of my need of control is going to change what something is.
I have something incredible. I have something that some girls only dream of, or see in movies and television. I have this burning, crazy, unpredictable kind of passion inside me that can't even begin to be compared to. It's not perfect. It never has been 'perfect,' but in it's imperfections it has become more than anything I ever thought it'd become. But even with this knowledge, I continually try to make it into something more solid, more durable, more of something that I can rely and depend upon... when really, it's just not something that can be done - or, not now. Having this beautiful thing in my life has been a blessing, but also a curse. A blessing in that it has changed my life and has made me understand a great deal more about myself, along with getting to know someone I never thought I'd be so close to... someone who is incredible in every way, someone I never want to be without. However, it's cursed me in that now, I worry every day that it's going to leave or fail me, that this feeling of elation and happiness will no longer be around to keep me safe as I wrap myself in my thoughts at night. This curse is a fear of losing everything that I have allowed myself to get lost in. But I suppose those are the chances you take in life that are the ones worth taking.
On good days, I swear, nothing in the world can bring me down, or tear me down, or take what I have away from me - I feel how real it is. To touch it, to taste it, to feel it pulsing through my veins like it's a part of me - for better or for worse. On bad days, I can't even begin to describe how aweful it is. To be so far away and not be able to fix anything - allowing myself to get caught up in doubt and anger; mostly frustrated with the fact that it doesn't matter what I do, or what I say, knowing that it's never going to change - or rather, not knowing if it will ever change. I think it's that 'what if' that lingers that drives me absolutely up the wall.
However hard it is on those bad days though, the good ones always seem to make the wait seem worth it - never easier, just worth it. I can sit here for hours talking myself into the reasons why I don't want to do it anymore.
'It hurts too much.'
'I'm tired of waiting.'
'I want closure... I want answers... I want to know that there is going to be some kind of pay off after all of this is said and done.'
As I get lost in all of this, though I know these are truly things I would like to have the answers to - by trying to resolve it all, I lose so much more. I lose the laughter, the freedom, the rush, the thrill of being so absolutely crazy in love. I lose the feeling that something is real. However unreal or impossible it may seem amidst the long wait.
Through this all, I have found that I am more of an adult than I ever have been... not in that I'm stubborn and I won't give up the fight - though it is a huge part of it some days - but that I have the capacity to know what real emotion feels like, and being able to let go of fear enough to know I have something that I may risk losing if control becomes something I am more worried about. I see the difference between being selfish and having security versus understanding someone else's perspective and having unpredictability being part of what makes living so awesome (despite what I have to give up for it - like my control).
Lots of pondering today.. lots of time to ponder today. I like it.
And a big thank you to my talking buddy - you know who you are :)
Monday, November 21, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
free falling.
"The best way to see if you can trust someone, is to to trust them."
- Ernest Hemingway
Throughout my life I have always tried to create other means of getting to know someone - because I am the type of person who trusts without apprehension; when I feel that I can trust, I don't question it, I just do it. And that is the scariest thing in the world. I'd like to say it is one of my greatest strengths - my faith in the goodness of people, faith in the fact that people have good intentions, and that they aren't purposefully out there trying to tear me down. I like to believe that a person is a person, and that what they have experienced in their lifetime has a lot to do with the way they handle themselves... I mean, how could those experiences not?
Another part of me that I have learned to value over time is my ability to empathize for people in my life that struggle with moving past these experiences. It's not easy, and it never gets easier - we just learn how to deal with them. I've had a fair share of hard times myself, and it's true. They never really stop coming. It's understanding how to take them and learn from them, rather than putting your life on hold because you're afraid of hurting again.
As I know what it's like to be scared of letting trust into my life, I also know how this fear hinders me and I have come to realize that it's not as impossible to let go as people make it seem. If anything, I have found that by letting fear consume you, you're never going to get anywhere in your life, you're never going to achieve anything of any significance, cherish a family that loves you, find true, lifelong friends, fall in love... When you can't get past the past where you've been, there is no room for growth, there is no room for mistakes that can make you into a better person; you're just stuck in an unending circle of stagnant doubt, and fear of taking a step towards something that could change your life.
Trust is a scary thing.
It has taken me years to be able to realize that though it makes you vulnerable, it can also make you stronger. Though it hurts when you give someone everything you can possibly give them, to only have it pushed back into your face - it's rewarding to know that you did give it your absolute all. Even when you feel as though you have nothing but the shirt on your back to accompany the looming emptiness inside you, you have everything. Giving everything means having everything - because if I only ever allowed myself to give half, I'd have nothing. I would have nowhere to go, nothing to learn from - nothing to grow into.
Though I wish, every day, that I could give up trusting people in my life - I am thankful for it. Though I hate waking up in the morning knowing that today may just be like yesterday in that we're not going in any direction - I love knowing in my heart that by saying that I trust you, that I love you, and that I miss you, I have kept the door open for opportunity.
Even when trusting seems like the worst possible mistake I could make - I know in my heart that it's right.
I think that is the most I can ever ask of myself, to trust my heart.
- Ernest Hemingway
Throughout my life I have always tried to create other means of getting to know someone - because I am the type of person who trusts without apprehension; when I feel that I can trust, I don't question it, I just do it. And that is the scariest thing in the world. I'd like to say it is one of my greatest strengths - my faith in the goodness of people, faith in the fact that people have good intentions, and that they aren't purposefully out there trying to tear me down. I like to believe that a person is a person, and that what they have experienced in their lifetime has a lot to do with the way they handle themselves... I mean, how could those experiences not?
Another part of me that I have learned to value over time is my ability to empathize for people in my life that struggle with moving past these experiences. It's not easy, and it never gets easier - we just learn how to deal with them. I've had a fair share of hard times myself, and it's true. They never really stop coming. It's understanding how to take them and learn from them, rather than putting your life on hold because you're afraid of hurting again.
As I know what it's like to be scared of letting trust into my life, I also know how this fear hinders me and I have come to realize that it's not as impossible to let go as people make it seem. If anything, I have found that by letting fear consume you, you're never going to get anywhere in your life, you're never going to achieve anything of any significance, cherish a family that loves you, find true, lifelong friends, fall in love... When you can't get past the past where you've been, there is no room for growth, there is no room for mistakes that can make you into a better person; you're just stuck in an unending circle of stagnant doubt, and fear of taking a step towards something that could change your life.
Trust is a scary thing.
It has taken me years to be able to realize that though it makes you vulnerable, it can also make you stronger. Though it hurts when you give someone everything you can possibly give them, to only have it pushed back into your face - it's rewarding to know that you did give it your absolute all. Even when you feel as though you have nothing but the shirt on your back to accompany the looming emptiness inside you, you have everything. Giving everything means having everything - because if I only ever allowed myself to give half, I'd have nothing. I would have nowhere to go, nothing to learn from - nothing to grow into.
Though I wish, every day, that I could give up trusting people in my life - I am thankful for it. Though I hate waking up in the morning knowing that today may just be like yesterday in that we're not going in any direction - I love knowing in my heart that by saying that I trust you, that I love you, and that I miss you, I have kept the door open for opportunity.
Even when trusting seems like the worst possible mistake I could make - I know in my heart that it's right.
I think that is the most I can ever ask of myself, to trust my heart.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
underneath.
"You are more important than you realize."
I have found that there are a lot of times in my life when I don't understand the previous statement. I either pump myself up in believing in it, and quickly lose my momentum with the thought - or I fail to recognize it altogether. I have also found that there are people in your life who are going to push you to follow one of two of those paths, and that you rarely are the person to decide on the path all on your own. There are going to be people who sweep you off of your feet and put you on a pedestal, who make you feel like no one ever has - like you finally are worth something to someone. There are also going to be people who continually make you feel as though you can never reach a level high enough. It's terrifying to know that other people have so much power over how you feel about yourself, and the life you lead - especially people you thought you could trust, people you love. But, I suppose then, you can really begin to appreciate those who do make you feel important, like you're not just another person, but that you're an individual. I don't know if you realize it, but you make me question why I put up with the feelings I put up with, when I have a friend like you who truly recognizes me for who I am. Thank you. I guess in every difficult situation there is a reason for it. With every heartache, there are blessings that come to life that you fail to acknowledge otherwise. And for that I thank God for my struggles, because I'm going to be okay no matter what happens.
I have found that there are a lot of times in my life when I don't understand the previous statement. I either pump myself up in believing in it, and quickly lose my momentum with the thought - or I fail to recognize it altogether. I have also found that there are people in your life who are going to push you to follow one of two of those paths, and that you rarely are the person to decide on the path all on your own. There are going to be people who sweep you off of your feet and put you on a pedestal, who make you feel like no one ever has - like you finally are worth something to someone. There are also going to be people who continually make you feel as though you can never reach a level high enough. It's terrifying to know that other people have so much power over how you feel about yourself, and the life you lead - especially people you thought you could trust, people you love. But, I suppose then, you can really begin to appreciate those who do make you feel important, like you're not just another person, but that you're an individual. I don't know if you realize it, but you make me question why I put up with the feelings I put up with, when I have a friend like you who truly recognizes me for who I am. Thank you. I guess in every difficult situation there is a reason for it. With every heartache, there are blessings that come to life that you fail to acknowledge otherwise. And for that I thank God for my struggles, because I'm going to be okay no matter what happens.
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