“I fear being like everyone I hate, I fear failure, I fear losing control. I love balancing between chaos and control with everything I do. I always have a fear of going one way or another, getting lost in something, or losing everything to get lost in."
- Marilyn Manson


I know I should be spending my time doing homework right now - but I think these thoughts are far more important to get out of my head. Definitely more important than history notes. ;)

I often have found that some of my most in depth conversations happen between me and people that I work with; I love it when they teach me more about my own situation than I know myself... one friend in particular never ceases to amaze me with his insight. It feels really good to have someone around who knows what I'm going through, or at least, can give me a shoulder to cry on - or someone to talk some sense into me.

Today, we talked a lot about losing control; not in the sense of losing control in a bad way, but rather, understanding when and where control should or shouldn't exist. I am the kind of person who continually searches for answers, who simply cannot sit down, put my hands in the air and surrender to what is happening in my life. When I feel out of control, I frantically flail my arms around instead of relaxing and steadying myself in the water, causing myself to drown in my own stress. I can't seem to let go of the thought, 'I can fix this,' when in reality, I'm only making it worse for myself and anyone involved. Today, though, I realized that sometimes things are just the way they are, and no amount of my need of control is going to change what something is.

I have something incredible. I have something that some girls only dream of, or see in movies and television. I have this burning, crazy, unpredictable kind of passion inside me that can't even begin to be compared to. It's not perfect. It never has been 'perfect,' but in it's imperfections it has become more than anything I ever thought it'd become. But even with this knowledge, I continually try to make it into something more solid, more durable, more of something that I can rely and depend upon... when really, it's just not something that can be done - or, not now. Having this beautiful thing in my life has been a blessing, but also a curse. A blessing in that it has changed my life and has made me understand a great deal more about myself, along with getting to know someone I never thought I'd be so close to... someone who is incredible in every way, someone I never want to be without. However, it's cursed me in that now, I worry every day that it's going to leave or fail me, that this feeling of elation and happiness will no longer be around to keep me safe as I wrap myself in my thoughts at night. This curse is a fear of losing everything that I have allowed myself to get lost in. But I suppose those are the chances you take in life that are the ones worth taking.

On good days, I swear, nothing in the world can bring me down, or tear me down, or take what I have away from me - I feel how real it is. To touch it, to taste it, to feel it pulsing through my veins like it's a part of me - for better or for worse. On bad days, I can't even begin to describe how aweful it is. To be so far away and not be able to fix anything - allowing myself to get caught up in doubt and anger; mostly frustrated with the fact that it doesn't matter what I do, or what I say, knowing that it's never going to change - or rather, not knowing if it will ever change. I think it's that 'what if' that lingers that drives me absolutely up the wall.

However hard it is on those bad days though, the good ones always seem to make the wait seem worth it - never easier, just worth it. I can sit here for hours talking myself into the reasons why I don't want to do it anymore.

'It hurts too much.'
'I'm tired of waiting.'
'I want closure... I want answers... I want to know that there is going to be some kind of pay off after all of this is said and done.'

As I get lost in all of this, though I know these are truly things I would like to have the answers to - by trying to resolve it all, I lose so much more. I lose the laughter, the freedom, the rush, the thrill of being so absolutely crazy in love. I lose the feeling that something is real. However unreal or impossible it may seem amidst the long wait.

Through this all, I have found that I am more of an adult than I ever have been... not in that I'm stubborn and I won't give up the fight - though it is a huge part of it some days - but that I have the capacity to know what real emotion feels like, and being able to let go of fear enough to know I have something that I may risk losing if control becomes something I am more worried about. I see the difference between being selfish and having security versus understanding someone else's perspective and having unpredictability being part of what makes living so awesome (despite what I have to give up for it - like my control).

Lots of pondering today.. lots of time to ponder today. I like it.
And a big thank you to my talking buddy - you know who you are :)