"You must do the thing which you think you cannot."

The great words of Eleanor Roosevelt have never rung so prominently in my head before now. I've seen this quote a million times, and told myself that it was my motto, and everything that I lived by - but I don't think that I truly believed in it.

There are a lot of big changes that are happening in my life this year... many of which I don't even know if I'm ready for. Not that I cannot handle them, but that I don't quite know what to expect.

I'm moving away from home - something I never, in a million years, thought would happen. I've always been so afraid of leaving the "known" for the "unknown," and now that it's really happening, it feels a little strange. To be driving down the road late at night and to not be able to see stars in the sky, or the shadow of the mountains to the West, it's kinda scary. God. And leaving my family. Nothing feels worse than that horrible ache I get in my gut sometimes when I think about how I'm abandoning my sisters. I feel like I've been there for them for so long - and even slacked a lot more than I really should have over the past two years because I haven't had the "time" to go home. Having that thought constantly haunting me doesn't help in the least bit either. And now look at me. Traveling two thousand miles away, hundreds of dollars in traveling expenses just to see them for a weekend, even if I COULD manage to get enough time off from my internship.

If leaving my sisters wasn't hard enough, my mom and dad are having a hard time too - even though they pretend that everything is just fine and dandy. Over the years of living with them and staying in contact after moving out, I can tell when they're upset. They pretend like they could care less, but in reality, I know I'm hurting them. Their one daughter, who they thought from the beginning would never let them down, is making the biggest mistake of her life... or at least in their eyes, so I've gathered.


The next thing I have to worry about (or maybe I don't) is the fact that I feel like a beached whale as far as my career choice. Don't get me wrong, I am happy with my choices, and I love what I do... when I'm actually doing it. Disney is going to be wonderful, and it's going to open so many doors for my future. It's just hard to see now while I'm waiting for it to happen. I love performing, and I never want to give it up... but lately I have felt so hopeless because I have no idea what steps to take next as far as finishing up my degree. Especially if I can't even get into the programs I want to be a part of down here in Florida.    


With those being my minor worries, I feel like the biggest, most heavy thoughts pressing on my mind, are all related this boy that I have fallen deeply in love with. They say that there are many times where you are continually having to reevaluate your definition of love. Four years ago, I thought that I was in love with a guy I dated in high school, and now, looking at how I feel for who I'm with now, I see that it was nothing close to what love really is. I've had to come to grips with a lot of things over the past year of my life, and one of them is that I would follow this boy to the end of the world because I never want to live another day without him in my life.

With that being said, although it seems like a good thing, it's terrifying. I am terrified to lose him. I'm so scared of messing up, or doing something to push him away unintentionally. I want to be with him because he is the one thing I have found in my life that is constant. We have our bad days, confusing days, but we also have more days that just feel right.

Last night I was watching him do the dishes. We weren't talking. I was just looking at him, and  he wasn't paying attention to anything but the task of getting the kitchen cleaned up. In those few minutes I realized that he could be the one for me.. the one person I may end up spending the rest of my life with - and I'd be  okay with that. MORE than okay - it's what I want. After this past weekend, and the past 11 months, I have been awoken to a life I never want to leave me, and that life is with him.

I'm so afraid of becoming too attached though. I can already feel this intense connection that I have never felt before, and it scares me to think that I could lose it at any moment. Living in Colorado gave me a bit of a buffer zone. The distance gave us something to blame if anything ever went wrong, but now, it's for real. There is no turning back, and there is only forward motion ahead of us. I just hope to God he knows how I would do anything for him - and be everything he needs me to be, because right now in my life, that's all I want. To be his everything. To hold his hand when he needs encouragement, to give him hope when he can't see the stars, to hold him in my arms when he needs comfort, and to give him all the love in the world.

Even though I am nervous, and worried that something bad will happen between us - I know I am here for a reason. I have made a decision to live the life I thought was impossible for me to live, and here I am. I'm going to put my best foot forward, give it all the heart I've got, and pray that it's going to be enough to get me through this move, and to help me build a strong, healthy relationship with this amazing person who has changed my life.

Beautiful Words.

IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING.
I want to know what you ache for., and if you dare of meeting your heart's longing.

IT DOESN'T INTEREST ME HOW OLD YOU ARE.
I want to know if you would risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dreams, for the adventures of being alive.

IT DOESN'T INTEREST ME WHICH PLANETS ARE SQUARING WITH YOUR MOON.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain - mine and your own -
without moving to hid it, or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine and your own;
if you can dance with wildness and ecstasy,
fill the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic,
or to remember the limitations of being human.

IT DOESN'T INTEREST ME IF THE STORY YOU ARE TELLING ME IS TRUE.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself;
if you can bear the causation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine,
and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"YES!"

IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME WHERE OR WHAT OR WITH WHOM YOU HAVE STUDIED.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.


From Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Native American Elder

only reflections remain.

As I sit here tonight, on my comfy couch, adorned with my favorite blankets, my colorful pillows, a book that my nose was buried in all day today, a functional cellular telephone to my right, and a laptop WITH internet that just decided to turn on after two days of malfunctioning - I can't help but think about how incredibly lucky I am. I always have, in the back of my head, the things I wish were better in my life; the things that would make me a happier person if only this was 'fixed' or that was 'fixed'. The back of my mind is never really, truly focused on everything that I should be thankful for, and when I think about that - I can't help but realize how selfish of a person I am. 


The air I breathe, the roof over my head, the food in my kitchen, running water, a job to pay for it all; a bed to sleep in, and the couch I usually choose instead; enough clothes in my room to clothe fifty people, and more than one pair of clean socks for every day of the week. 


A roommate who, though sometimes we have two very separate worlds and don't always see eye-to-eye, respects me as I respect her (not to mention the mass amounts of love and patience that is undeniably there :)


My family, three beautiful sisters who are constantly there despite my inability to be with them physically on a day to day basis; my parents, both step and biological - being my backbone even when they disagree with me. 


My best friends. You guys know who you are ... through the ins and outs of my life, you are always constant, always there to pull me through every situation, and you give me more reasons to be proud of who I am because you trust and love me - I don't think that you could possibly give me more than that. 


My love, even when it isn't everything we want it to be, it's still more than enough - still enough to be overjoyed with at the end of every day. When I look back at everything, the steps we've taken - the "bad ideas," the warnings, the giving in, the fears, the  doubts, the leaps of faith, the long nights of loneliness, as well as the long nights of aimless conversation and happiness; the frustrating stretches of time and miles between, the crazy rush of 'hello's and the hopeful, teary-eyed 'good-bye's. Every minute worth it, and every minute being one I've never regretted or wanted back. Finally feeling something real, and being ready to do everything I can to hold onto it. 




Of course, there are many, many more things in my life aside from these that I am thankful for - but for now, they are what drive me to do better, what drive me to continually try to better myself... not to mention what they do to the quality of my life. 2011 has been a bumpy year - though not nearly as bumpy as some of the past, it's had a lot to it in a very short amount of time. People coming and going, growing into an adult, losing very dear friends, celebrating their lives with others to make it bearable. But over all else, this year I have learned the greatest lesson, and it's one that will go to the grave with me - I learned to trust not only myself, but my self-worth. This year I have learned that to get what you want in life, you need to commit, trust that you are making the right decision for yourself, and go. You are never less of a person than anyone else around you, and you have so much to offer this world. 2012 is the year I am going to take that knowledge, and put it to good use.




So, after all of this, my hope for the year of 2012 is to be more thankful for what I have been given on a regular basis, and to not lose sight of what is really important in my life. I also want to learn to let go of things I can't control and have patience as pieces fall into place. This year is going to be a year of drastic changes for me, and I want to try and be sure that I go into it with a level-head, confidence, and trust. 




This is going to be my year to shine - no holding back.




Happy New Years, Everyone. :)

untitled.

So, here's the deal. I know that a lot of you guys out there are probably going to get all bent outta shape at me 'cause you're the 'nice guys' and that I shouldn't label guys as the devil's advocates, blah blah blah - I'm not saying that. I figured I should put a little note at the top to clarify. I am merely pointing out the fact that I have seen a billion little, 'ode to the nice guys,' 'give us a chance' type things - and although I agree with them... I've yet to see one written from a girl's point of view. You know, when girls are 'treated poorly' in a relationship, or they like someone out of their league, it's automatically their fault for choosing a jerk as if they always knowingly walk into it. We get the whole, 'well, we told you so, you should've dated that other guy instead!' We always hear about the sob stories, 'you broke my heart, now I'm gonna drown in my own tears 'cause I hate men' bull crap, and that's how many girls are portrayed as when their feelings get hurt in a relationship type situation. These things could hold true in some cases... HOWEVER. No one ever talks about the effort that some of us put into things like love and relationships and trust. No one ever talks about how it's not easy to love someone who doesn't see you the same way - no one talks about how we wish we could choose who we fall for - because it's seen as stupid and childish. I think that's ridiculous.  So, this is to the girls who know what it feels like.. and a lot of the times it pertains to guys too, so take it how you wish.

For my friends who have been struggling:


Here's to the girls who love. Here's to the girls who put their hearts on the line. Here's to the girls who are honest about how they feel, even when it's hard to tell the truth, or are terrified to say it to the one they feel it for. To the ones who fall for guys who seem to have no idea about anyone or anything but themselves. Here's to the girls who are wanted for messing around but never taken seriously. Here's to the girls who are confused! How about the ones who can't help but think that he's going to change his mind? And you can't forget the girls who are "loved" but are never good enough to be girlfriends? Here's to the girls who give everything they have and get nothing in return. To the girls who wish they had never trusted him. Here's to the girls who gave their virginity to someone who didn't think twice about what he was doing. Here's to the girls who talk but are not heard. Here's to the girls who are wanted for sex, and when they're turned down, friendship is also out of the question. Here's to the girls whose ex-boyfriends think they have a say in new relationships (for the record, if you dumped her - leave her the hell alone as far as romantic issues are concerned). The girls who wait by the phone for hours just for a 'hello.' The girls who do everything in their power to be everything he needs, even if it means changing their physical appearance to something more 'satisfactory' (you're not dumb or insecure, you're wanting to make him see you as beautiful). Here's to the girls who are led on, and never told the truth. Here's to the girls who have hopes and dreams, and are holding on by a 'maybe'. Here's to the girls who want to let go, but can't. Here's to strength and faith in it all turning out okay. To the girls who only want to be noticed. Here's to the girls who love nothing more than to make him happy - sometimes even sacrificing themselves in exchange. Here's to the girls who are always the option, but never the priority.


Thanks to the complete jerk who asked me out today who made me realize how thoroughly upset I am about how these situations are. I hope you find the girl, out at the bars this weekend, who wants to use you like you do her... OR even better! I hope she doesn't take interest in you at all.


P.S. Guys, you know who she is. Don't let her go. Don't get so swept away in your own life to not be able to see that girl in your life who truly appreciates you - and who truly loves you... regardless of who you are and who you've been. Don't miss out on something incredible if she makes you happy.


"To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world."









    

"He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you."